Reposting this because no-one's got it yet.
Another riddle: (from my sister).
There was once a horrific plane crash, and every single person died.
Who survived?

WARNING:
LOOKING UP THE ANSWER TO THIS RIDDLE ON AN INTERNET SEARCH ENGINE COULD RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH.
CHEATING FORBIDDEN. ALL VIOLATORS WILL BE SEVERELY FINED AND/OR BRUTALLY SQUISHED.

ADVERTENCIA:
BUSCAR LA RESPUESTA A ESTE CHISTE EN UN MOTOR DE BÚSQUEDA EN INTERNET PODRÍA RESULTAR EN LESIONES GRAVES O LA MUERTE.
ENGAÑAR PROHIBIDO. TODOS LOS VIOLADORES SERÁN MULTADOS GRAVEMENTE Y / O APLASTADOS BRUTALMENTE.

ATTENTION:
CONSULTER LA RÉPONSE À CETTE JOKE SUR UN MOTEUR DE RECHERCHE INTERNET POURRAIT ENTRAÎNER DES BLESSURES GRAVES OU LA MORT.
TRICHE INTERDITE. TOUS LES VIOLATEURS SERONT SÉVÈREMENT AMENDÉS ET / OU BRUTALEMENT ÉCRASÉS.

the couples aren't single.

ooooohhhh...
I get it. all the people who weren't in a relationship died. so the people who are survived. BOOM!

Justy is it 12😮2 am or pm for you?

nope.

it says you sent that message at 00:02 i thought that meant 12😮2

its 8:05 pm here. i dont know what time it going by but its wrong

it's going by Scrubs' time, I think.

ahhhh

Comic: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I award you... 🏆 🏆 🏆 🏆 BRAGGING RIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🏆 🏆 🏆 🏆

I dont really like it brag it seems rude i dont need any award i just did it for fun

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or kissed him.”

“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.

“What do I look like,” she says, “Mrs.Cook?”

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”

The neighbor says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative, or even a neighbor to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the heck was that all about?”

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”

He replies. “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, “No, let me see the next room.”

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee, and eating pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “Ok, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

I have a long stupid funny story, but it would take way too long to type it, so I won't until some other time when one of you reminds me.

Okey Dokey Neighbor